Part I

The alien craft, as far as we could tell, gained their propulsion from dark matter ejectors at the stern.

Well, we guessed it was the stern - it was impossible to tell as it moved in up to eleven dimensions.

It looked for all the world like it was grown rather than built, its chaotically organic shape putting one Petty Officer in mind of a piece of driftwood from his home on Earth 2. The comparison seemed apt, and we called them ‘Drift Ships’, or used the acronym ‘DRFTSHPS’ when too lazy to use vowels.

We did not initially know of their intentions. Nor do we now. They leave as quickly as they appear, that is to say - as if they were never there

The only communication thus far has been a complete and indiscriminate meltdown of anything we thought we knew about physics.

Part II

At last, we have contact.

If you could call it that.

We were intercepted by a small, unsettlingly fish-like, scout ship. It was very unexpected.

As Commander of the intercepted Earth-2 ship, the Enceladus Breakdown, I was to act as emissary.

Our comms were hailed, in perfect Chino-Spanish, and a request for my presence proffered. The very nano-second I agreed, I found myself on an endless savannah, talking with a large elephant.

Here is the transcript:

Commander Trusk, Enceladus Breakdown:



Hello, human.


Hi. Why am I in Africa-2? And why do you look like an elephant?


We thought it might be fun. You killed off so many cool creatures. It’s a shame.


I see. And how is it that you speak our language - with some fluency I might add?


I am not speaking.


IIIIII think you are.


I do not speak. Not like you think. You perceive me speaking, just as you perceive me as an elephant. If we have to label it a language, let’s call the language ‘perception’. Really, it's more like you're having this conversation with yourself, because of us.


Ok. May I ask what your kind are doing here? And what your intentions might be?


What do you perceive them to be?


Humanism grant me patience. Is the conversation going to continue like this?


We're not having this conver…


Stop! Just… stop. What are your race doing here?




For what, exactly?

And here the communique ended, and I found myself back on the bridge of the Enceladus Breakdown, albeit on the flat of my back, with a nuclear-grade headache to boot.

Part III

What In The Suffering Fuck’ [WITSF] has been official comms parlance for Fighter DRFTSHPS ever since first contact was recorded by the E2C Enceladus Breakdown Commander Oly Trusk. 

Altogether more aggressive looking than their predecessors, they have not, as yet, engaged in any kind of antagonistic behaviour towards our fleet. But their appearance - more ‘poured-metal’ than ‘floating flotsam’, symmetrically sleek and arrow-head in nature - lead us (an inherently - violently - suspicious race) to brand them as Fighters. As such, we fear them even more than their larger cousins. 

They look built for speed and tight engagement. But to say they ‘look faster’ is moot. To these ships, which we suspect move through up to 11 dimensions, speed is a defunct and irrelevant concept. They are either there, or they are not. 

Having said that, we did manage to capture one manoeuvring procedure by a WITSF. We suspect that it did not need to move like this. It was more like it was trying out our physics, just for fun. 

Footage is currently classified, but will be released soon under the Earth-2 Secrets Act.

END ENTRY 9874397-B

Part IV

First footage of a DRFTSHP WITSF [Suspected Fighter] has been declassified & released to public.

Experts (if there can be such a thing in this case) suspect the vessel was only moving in three dimensions for ‘fun’.

Even the sounds emitted (which, as far as we can tell, are utterly unnecessary) suggest some form of mockery.